My days have rather been kinda down lately..it's either the awareness of the elections coming up or is it just me being confined in my own home and wasting my life away for these few days. Even after leaving my job and getting my payment, I feel as if some people claim that I'm not skeptical enough about life. It's either they don't have the intention to
LISTEN to what I'm saying and interrupting half way and just assume, assume-assume-assume, or is it just me being plain ridiculous, just having a bad day and don't know what I'm saying sometimes. Is History repeating itself for me towards the worst or is it reminding me something? I've let go all of my sorrow and make a change on my own without the sake of others.
I feel sort of discouraged when some of my goals don't escalate to a success, kinda frustrates me when knowing the realities of
awkwardness. Makes me wonder about the qualities of common people with fake smiles, fickle minds and stupid lies. At least I've tried and found out the outcomes. Sometimes, trying hard is not the only option to succeed but also needs a little bit of chance (Not luck).
It can be related towards the things I love to do and completing my obstacles. Maybe I don't know what it's like being 17+. Is it all about getting my license? Thinking on my own with given choices? Or just being more grateful for all the difficulties that I had in the past? Maybe I've thought of things which may seem selfish or just of wrong set of mind. When I'm pissed with something, I just get blur and ask stupid questions which I unintentionally ask but my mind just triggers it. Is life all about accepting everything that has happened, or is it all about making the choices and get on with what you wanna work out on? Is that even part of growing up or being held back?
The thing is, I've planned out the things I want to achieve, but once I take a step forward, I'm placed 2 steps back. A vision I've seen and put my mind into can be shattered like an illusion. Who am I to blame? Do I serve a purpose or purposely serve? Enduring and awaiting the experiences of what it's like being the last holder of my family name, knowing that I'm the youngest..it's hard for people to get inside my head. I couldn't get over the fact that it bothers my sleep and wake up in a sweat. In my head will end up with the same question like,'When-when-when will I ever achieve something I want out of life and get rid of all the nonsense which are within my boundaries'
Some of my close friends claim that I'm the kind of person who has breached out in the world and out stood way better than most people. Some think I'm like their shrink with my 'so-called' wisdom. I'm afraid that sometimes I think that I may preach but may not practice it at uncertain moments. I appreciate the good thoughts of others about me, but am I worthy of what they say I am? I try to be
stoic upon my feelings and try my best not to expose it to the masses, or else the situation will get bad.
Maybe I'm bound from a lot of things for a reason, or is it for the fact that people don't know what I want to transcend beyond the available wisdom and knowledge of what I really want to achieve and savor on. When am I gonna break out of my shell for real? When would be the right time to make people realize that I am not who they want to sculpture and that I acquire a different kind of perspective in this world?
I can guarantee to you of a 100% that I'm pretty misunderstood and there are reasons why I hate sharing my problems with friends and family and they keep heckling me with the burning question,"What is wrong?"
Because...
1. Friends and family may have the wrong idea and its hard to reach out to really make them understand your personal problem. Chances are, I would get a slap in the face for being disappointed. Is that even a crime?
2. A person like me would hysterically blurt out my 'cries' about certain things which make me feel discouraged.
3. And the feedback I get may not be pretty...it sucks, I know..maybe its some prospect that I have for being the youngest in the family which is full of doubt and ignorance.
Don't ask me why, it's just me thinking that I myself may not have accomplished my aspirations which may lead to a whole bunch of lies. Or maybe I've not really experienced what it's like being hit on the floor real hard and get right back up. All in all, it's hard being the guy who only dreams on something and strives hard on what he wants to succeed or maybe it's just morally wrong. Go figure.

The days when you thought there was potential in me in various ways (like this picture)..it wasn't rainbows and butterflies but clear reality that it takes a lot for a man to earn his satisfaction and somehow it may not be good enough for others. But why do I care..I think I would want to re-think my life over. Some things I do always have to affect others which are actually meant for me to sort out. Why? Because to me, I'm like some monitored robot with auto-monitored feelings, its not me who controls it..maybe it's the people around me who are drifting my emotions here and there which I don't deserve. And again, it all comes towards people who blindly assume what I'm not without a good reason.