Thursday, December 03, 2009

Dead feet and an awaken thought...

Yesterday, went around town to look for a job and it seems that Low Yat plaza is pretty busy this time around, because of Christmas being just around the corner. Went to Jln Imbi to check out for job vacancies..non available. Walked to Sungei Wang to see what my options were....non as well, all taken. It was funny, the last place I checked out was the first place that accepted me in. Now, I'm a part-timer in a computer store. How...different. While I'm supposed to be in the audio line or something. But I don't mind. I've always wanted to learn how to assemble computers.

I wish I took Software/Computer Engineering and understood computers under more depth. But being my mathematics so bad, I don't think it could happen. Life I think is not unfair but I think every individual is just unparallel. If not, everybody would be a suicide bomber or something. Like any parent would ask,"What do you wanna be when you grow up?". I once told my parents that I wanted to be a Mechanical Engineer, I was 6 back then. At one time, I wanted to be a comedian and wished to earn 10million US Dollars like Russell Peters.

At one time, I had an interest in cooking. I wanted to become a Chef. But after seeing myself being in the Hotel Management industry for a month. I started to not believe in extreme commitment towards that kind of career. Especially Genting Highlands. Being away from Family, Home and Self-Interest Esteem for long periods of time. Nevertheless, coming across 11 years of Primary/Secondary education, my view with the world changed after that. Bad Economy crisis is now present, I just wanna find a hole to get into and hope my future would be alright.

When I see some of my friends having a financial crisis, it's a scare for me. My folks won't live forever, no one is going to support me but myself at the end of the day. I never thought of a precise blueprint for my life on how it is going to turn out. I thought there was no point planning, because I felt that; time, people and situations affects those plans and then things take on different routes. One of my 'rejected' cousins failed his PMR and dropped out of Secondary school to work as a Mechanic in a workshop. The reason why I labelled 'Rejected' was because I don't consider myself having many close relatives. But I won't go into that.

To me, money is not the root of ALL evil in terms of misuse of money as the only reason. Because I think, it's a sin of not having enough money to be able to put food onto the table. So what is precise 'good' and 'bad'? It's a two way street, just like the Deontology theory. Everybody needs money to survive and live their lives and there are people use money to manipulate situations like bribery and such, which are bad qualities. Money talks eh?

For me, I try to maintain the money in my bank account so that I don't go broke. Whenever I finished my class, I always had a limited number of choices as to where to eat. The common 'Mamak' stall infront of college, or McDonald's beside college. And I never had time to make my own lunch because of rushing to classes. That's when I told myself that I needed a job under flexi-hours to support myself and not to depend on others. There's no such thing as an ∞ amount of money in a person's pocket.

I can never say for most of my life I lacked of freedom, but making use of what I have to make my life better. I do tend to think that 3/4 of my has been drifted away and never had brake pads to stop and think about what I should do to make things better. But I believe that everyone wants to work hard so that they won't starve. And yes, I used to be a hardcore 'wishful thinker'. I was alot more afraid of the 'reality' me than I do now. I used to have dreams where there was a scene that no one were bothered with me at all. With those misplaced thoughts, I guess I've attracted the wrong kind of people that could pierce me. But f*ck the world, whatever that could've been wrong would let me see later and maybe help me grow now. Results of my life, vary all the time. I guess it is the same with everyone.

After Mum's passing, it made me think that 'Death will not kill you, Death will come to you when life makes attempts to kill you, whichever way it can'. What do I mean by that? God was never there to save people's lives. He can't stop a bullet from being struck on a person's chest. Nor can he even stop a car accident. I've accepted the fact that, we have to learn how to take care of ourselves and our families, rather than rely on a 'man-made imaginary superman' that claims to be able to save people from harm. So what's your excuse when you've failed to save a life, God? ,"Everybody has to go someday"? Come on, just say that death can't be escaped and it'll keep chasing after you, man.

I don't need a 'How to move on in life for Dummies' guide book, because I would know what Mum would want me to be in life when she is not around. Because I would know her personally as my own mother. Don't even try and plant the word 'Divine' into my head people.

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