Monday, October 12, 2015

Grateful ii: Family

                                         Singapore (1994)

It's true when people say ,"You don't know what you got till it's gone". A friend of mine was talking to me about getting a day off from work, thanks to a public holiday. But it wasn't much of a holiday to him, because his mother instructed the whole family to do spring cleaning at their home.

I for one do not like to do spring cleaning. It can get taxing and I'm quite the lazy person when it comes to chores to be honest. But this conversation with my friend brought me back to those times where I used to spring clean with my family. Back when there were the four of us. The more I start to think about it, the more I start to cherish those moments even more.

I start to realize that the presence of my parents brought subconscious comfort to my sister and I. The sense of security and comfort to know that you're not facing the world alone, but together. Family was everything. The more the little things started to matter, family bonding started to mean even more in retrospect. I start reminiscing about it. The very foundations of what moulded me to what I am today. The values and memories that money can NEVER buy to relive those moments, even if I wanted to.

Work is my only way of coping with grief. My mind is set on nothing but trying to get to a better place in life. Trying to be a better person each day. The undertow caught in between my feet gets even more violent each day. A sink or swim situation everyday. Treading my way as it gets deeper into submission. A thought provoking notion, but it would be something that Charles Darwin would lecture upon...conform to be able to survive.

I remember falling into one of my deep troubling anxieties and dad knocked some sense into me ,"You shouldn't feel scared of things in front of you that you find difficult! These are the exciting times in your life! Triumph it!". This has always been my inner voice and it will always be. Always trying to break down the walls even if one of them was too overwhelming for me to even break them down, I will get up and break THAT wall down.

As much as I believe that I'll be as good as decomposed waste for the ground to feast, part of me wishes that they (my parents) are watching us over to guide us in spirit. I really miss their presence.

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