Life is but a dead end....

And....back with another rant. 2016 has been a good year, despite the big number of screw ups the government has caused, but I care not to focus on that in this posting. I've been pondering about how I've been prioritizing my goals while at this age. Be it; wealth, career, relationships and etc. I've come to realize that no matter how much I've achieved in life and initially thought I've reached my peak of success, there's always a new beginning to things. It's weird, but the hunger for more success is ever growing. I feel like I am back at square one and utterly 'Green' once more to things.

Yes, the back to back jobs I've been getting in 2016 have been great. Yes, being a 2016 BMW Shorties grand prize winner with the team was nothing but ecstatic (Gotta enjoy the moment, ya know). Then brings back the thought as to why I wanted to achieve them so badly in the first place. It was not about proving my critics wrong. It was not for any form of fame. But these were credentials for me to prove myself that I could build them up with my both hands, for the sake of making my parents proud. And they would be the people I would never be able to celebrate my successes with without their "physical presence".

 I finally understood why my father told me that any of his goals would not matter as much with my mother not being around then. I finally understood as to how loss can make you humble down and strive better each time and not settle for anything less.

Then what is the successful adult? Is it an individual who is supposed to do a list of things when he/she has reached adulthood? Is he/she supposed to say ,"F*ck it all, I live how I wanna live my life because I have my own ideologies to live by"? Or is it that we're meant to embrace and enjoy every moment that we now have before we die? So many questions, so little answers. A never ending struggle.

But the saying by my father ,"The surest sign of life is Growth" would be something I will hold on to dearly for life. I think that's the saying by him that keeps me going. No matter how angry or sad I am. Breaking walls has never been so tough, but I'll keep pressing on. It is hard being an Orphan for short.

Grateful ii: Family

                                         Singapore (1994)


It's true when people say ,"You don't know what you got till it's gone". A friend of mine was talking to me about getting a day off from work, thanks to a public holiday. But it wasn't much of a holiday to him, because his mother instructed the whole family to do spring cleaning at their home.

I for one do not like to do spring cleaning. It can get taxing and I'm quite the lazy person when it comes to chores to be honest. But this conversation with my friend brought me back to those times where I used to spring clean with my family. Back when there were the four of us. The more I start to think about it, the more I start to cherish those moments even more.

I start to realize that the presence of my parents brought subconscious comfort to my sister and I. The sense of security and comfort to know that you're not facing the world alone, but together. Family was everything. The more the little things started to matter, family bonding started to mean even more in retrospect. I start reminiscing about it. The very foundations of what moulded me to what I am today. The values and memories that money can NEVER buy to relive those moments, even if I wanted to.

Work is my only way of coping with grief. My mind is set on nothing but trying to get to a better place in life. Trying to be a better person each day. The undertow caught in between my feet gets even more violent each day. A sink or swim situation everyday. Treading my way as it gets deeper into submission. A thought provoking notion, but it would be something that Charles Darwin would lecture upon...conform to be able to survive.

I remember falling into one of my deep troubling anxieties and dad knocked some sense into me ,"You shouldn't feel scared of things in front of you that you find difficult! These are the exciting times in your life! Triumph it!". This has always been my inner voice and it will always be. Always trying to break down the walls even if one of them was too overwhelming for me to even break them down, I will get up and break THAT wall down.

As much as I believe that I'll be as good as decomposed waste for the ground to feast, part of me wishes that they (my parents) are watching us over to guide us in spirit. I really miss their presence.

Matt Heafy: Failure

For many years, I have been a huge fan of Trivium. For those who know me, you'll usually see me sporting a Trivium Shogun shirt whenever we meet up. Yes, that's my favourite shirt. I remember the first time picking up the electric guitar at the late-blooming age of 19. Scrolling through youtube videos, looking for a song to learn up and cover. The first thing I saw was Trivium's "Light like to the flies", off their 2nd album "Ascendancy".

I have read and knew of the band's trials and tribulations before they became hugely successful and adored by many music lovers. I admire this band, for they have kept pushing for what they truly desire out of life. Frontman, Matt Heafy explains how he faces failure and owns up to it to reach his successes. He is a role model to me in whatever I do with my life. Dust myself up whenever I take a fall.

,"Failure teaches us. It shapes us. It tests us in our weakest and most vulnerable states. Only through struggle and failure can we overcome, dust ourselves off and begin back on our path to greatness"- Matt Heafy

Penance.

Very often we ask ourselves ,"Do we really deserve the shit that we get?". I am coming from a negative angle, whereby, when bad things happen so us, we whine, complain and scream to ourselves - time and time again. It's just so easy to do so. But I've come to realize that I can turn it around by taking it by the balls and face up to it. Like gambling, we must be prepared to lose before we even start to exchange our money for chips to get into the game, in hopes to winning something big. Basically saying that the influences of external parties can end up making it very difficult for you and you have to own up to it. Make do with what you have. May the last push be your heaviest. As long you happened to take ownership on the side of right.

With over 7 billion people on this Earth, I guess we can't claim to be the biggest voice for our rights when there are many others who would love to shout us down whilst looking for things around them to make use as a 'Scapegoat'. Which I think that's why I reserve my comments till I see fit to put my 2cents worth on something. But at times, I gotta learn to let it go. Some things are just beyond my control due to external influences. As complaisant as it may sound, pride gets the best of us all. Even myself included. Life.

Yes, I believe in speaking my mind whenever I see something wrong or during an absolute 'WTF-Clusterfuck' moment (which is obviously not caused by me). But is it really worth the effort in shouting out to those who have fallen onto deaf ears? I suppose that's okay. At least you've done your part in saying what you feel is right than to stand aside and keep quiet. People are people.

Persevere.

Brave This Storm...

Woke up, first thing in the morning; bathed, changed, groomed. Finally was set out to go to work with an objective, everyday. No matter how badly our currency is doing, I chose to focus on my work. Be clear on what my motivation is. Besides meeting the basic needs, I know I want more than that. Beggars can't be choosers, but hey...there is always a better and easier way around things. Eventhough I might be stuck in a rut halfway, I have to keep going.

Trying to memorize my everyday work routine on set, I can say that I am quite contented with what I have achieved so far. But I must strive harder to get into a better position in my career. I choose to break down and rebuild myself. Painful, but rewarding I feel. I realized that no matter how talented people think I am, someone out there is miles (and I mean MILES) better than me. This is only my first week. Many days lie ahead. I must press on.

Let's see what tomorrow has to offer. #GottaKeepBeingMotivated

Grateful..

2015 has been full of surprises for me lately (although I'm speaking for the latter as December is coming nearer by the day). The ups and downs that has gotten me to where I am now. The pain and pleasure mixed together to remind myself that life is not always a smooth sailing one but a love-hate adventure that we have to deal with for life.

I am grateful that my client base has been slowly growing up to a point where I can plan work days accordingly. And I've had the priviledge to experience interesting shoots that has never been short of exciting. Feature films, documentaries, short films and a lot more commercials compared to last year's business.

These experiences has shown me where I lack in my abilities and how to go around improving them. I am grateful that I am able to work my butt off to pay the bills and have the time to cultivate my passion, which is music with my band (currently working on a lot of demos for my Industrial Metal band, which is slowly taking shape).

2015 has also been a good year for Metal. I finally got the chance to catch Lamb of God at the Hammersonic Metal Festival in Jakarta alongside other bands like Vader, Unearth and especially the legendary Mayhem (a controversial Black Metal band). With Lamb of God having released their new album and Trivium's in October, I can't complain.

And here I am, working on a programme for Netflix which is a totally new terrain for me. I'm just gonna be here to do my best and see what unfolds. New challenges await for me to put my current abilities to test and learn new ones along the way. I'd say ,"BRING IT!".

I have come to realize that I live life according to what I find fit to take care of my family. And no matter how my parents did it to raise my sister and I, it's the kind of legacy I would have to carry on whereby I need to pick myself up whenever I fall and see what fits to carry on the family name.

Despite the political and economic situation in which Malaysia is currently facing, there has got to be a better way to live around it. And I would not comment on it any further as my country has become quite a clusterfuck to sum it up.

Until the world goes cold..

No matter how many times we have acknowledged the fact that we have good friends and family around us. There will always be circumstances where it puts us in a position where we feel alone. Where we feel that we have to endure and face our demons in hopes that we can remain 'cleansed' in the end.

I think there's a beautifiul duality about adulthood. You get to experience the pleasures in life which can be ecstatic, but the hardships that get in the way as well.

The more I start to understand about the world, the more painful things become. But it's not good to remain ignorant and in denial towards the world. Probably because if we keep being ignorant, the pain would probably be greater when life hits us hard and our world comes crashing down.

I think this is why I miss my father dearly. The alone time and talks about life never seems to get old. Whenever I have a problem or a doubt, he was always there to give me suggestions in which I can trust and experiment on my own. He was more than a father to me, he was also a brother I never had.

Whenever each month starts on it's first week, I can't help but think of all the good times we spent and done during that month of any particular year. And I believe each of those moments hold certain value and has taught and groomed me to be the person I am today.

With any decision I have made currently, I'll always wonder as to how Papa would have handled it. The world becomes scary as I have to face the world under my own terms. People with their ideals and me trying to apply the 'tools' I have to my advantage to get through in life.

What is 'Right' or 'Wrong' in the end? I feel as I grow older, that question becomes a question of 'Perception'. I may live under my own terms, but I also need to hear out from others. I may break, but I refuse to, because of pride. I also NEED to break because I need to release my demons before they start to consume me.

I think what makes a man a Man are the scars that are left on us, reminds us to do better and try our best not to fall. Some people have talent to breeze through life, some have to work hard to get stronger to endure difficulty. I think this is where 'Gratitude' is hugely important.